A (fake) Interview w/Dusty Baker

loserHUGECARDSFAN (HCF henceforth): Dusty Baker – Former manager of the San Francisco Giants and the Chicago Cubs. Sixteen years in the major leagues. National League All-Star in 1981 and 1982. World Series winner in 1981. Quite a career you’ve made for yourself. Welcome, and thank you for sitting down with us.

Dusty Baker (DB henceforth): Errr, thanks. Is there a reason I’m sitting on the floor and you’re in a chair?

HCF: We’re a new blog. Not all the furnishings are in yet. I’m sure you can handle sitting Indian-style.

DB: You’re sitting in a LazyBoy…

HCF: Sorry dude, you’re gonna have to rough it.

DB: Err, okay then. Thank you for having me I guess.

HCF: Let me start by saying congratulations on your analyst gig on ESPN Baseball Tonight.

DB: Oh, thank you very much. I enjoy it. It’s a nice change.

HCF: Yes, it seems like a good crew to work with.

DB: Oh yes. I must be a pleasent surprise after Harold Reyn-… I mean, Kruker and the guys were a lot of fun to work with in the playoffs. I look forward to next season.

HCF: So, you’ll definately be at ESPN next season instead of managing a team.

DB: Well, my options are open. If the right team contacts me with an offer in mind, I would of course consider the option and discuss things with my family and friends.

HCF: Oh, so you are open to the idea of coaching a little league or high school team then.

DB: What?

HCF: Nothing, sorry, I must have the wrong set of notes… You’ve seemed a little jittery during the broadcasts. Has it been hard to adjust to being in the studio instead of in the clubhouse?

DB: With any new job comes a transition period. My experience with ESPN has been mutually beneficial to this point. I’m getting more comfortable after every show.

HCF: Okay. Well, I’m here today to ask the tough questions, so let’s skip right to it: What went wrong with the Cubs during the past few seasons?

DB: The Chicago Cubs organization is a strong group of people. I’m proud of the players I coached in my time there. The club faced a lot of injuries and media conflict during my last two seasons there. They played through that and gave me their best. We just couldn’t put it together in the end. The franchise saw fit to go a different direction and that’s fine with me.

HCF: Are you at all bitter toward management for letting you go after the franchise became a laughingstock?

DB: No, I’m thankful for the opportunity to coach there. And the Cubs franchise has a storied history and legacy. I hardly think they are a laughingstock.

HCF: Fair enough. How did it feel to commentate on the sucess of Tony LaRussa during the 2006 playoffs? Was that difficult for you since he is a long time rival?

DB: I have a lot of respect for Tony LaRussa and his team. Commentating on his team’s sucess was no problem at all. Tony and I have had some run-ins before, but we are both professionals and are able to move past it. I wish him all the sucess and hope to manage against him again.

HCF: Would you consider being a member of his staff?

DB: Well possibly. I could be a hitting coach or a scout under Tony.

HCF: Oh… I was thinking like a bat boy or possibly the equipment manager’s assistant. You know, collect the dirty towels and stuff.

DB: …

HCF: How many years did Sammy Sosa use a corked bat? Was that your idea?

DB: Are you serious? What kind of question is that? Sammy never used a corked bat. I can’t believe you’d-

HCF: After you drive ESPN into the ground like you did to the Cubs, do you think you’ll see Billy Martin in the unemployment line while you’re down there?

DB: What the ****? Are you insulting me?! I think we may be done here son. You have to be the most unprofessional-

HCF: I wouldn’t leave just yet if I were you…

DB: Excuse me? I can leave any ****well time I want to. I’m outta here!

[Editor’s note: At this point, Dusty Baker threw off his mic and stood up to leave. HCF told him to sit back down unless he wanted to get “TerryTated“. Mr. Baker shouted a few derogatory comments and turned to leave. Instead, Mr. Baker was clotheslined by Terry Tate. Terry Tate stood over Mr. Baker’s broken form and yelled, “If it’s game time, it’s pain time!” When Mr. Baker came to, he was petrified with fear by Terry Tate’s presence and agreed to continue with the interview. He was completely forthcoming and honest from this point on.]

HCF: So, how long did Sosa use a corked bat?

DB: He- he- he was doing that before I joined the team. He stopped once he got busted and then he started to suck. The Cubs were thrilled to dump him. They were tired of his running as hard as he could to the outfield at the start of the game and then jogging to first on a groundout to the shortstop with runners on base.

HCF: And he was using illegal substances too?

DB: Yes, he couldn’t hit balls out in batting practice without it. I can’t believe I’m saying this. He whined continually that the BP pitcher was trying to brush him off the plate and it had screwed up his swing permanently. You didn’t hear about that on ESPN.

HCF: Why is Tony LaRussa a better manager than you?

DB [eyeing Terry Tate]: I’m a horrible manager. I’ve lucked into both my managerial positions. I’ll probably be a minor league bullpen coach at best – if I’m lucky. Or maybe I could do Dancing with the Stars. I’ve been dancing around getting fired every year since I’ve managed, so I’ve picked up a thing or two.

HCF: Have you thought about the fast food industry?

DB: I’m a late-shift manager at Hardee’s right now but I’ve been able to hide it so far…

HCF: That’s great. Well, thank you for the interview. It’s been very enlightening.

DB: My career is over. I’m worthless now. What am I gonna do now? Hey! Do you need another blogger on your site? I can type much better than I analyze games. What you’ve seen on ESPN isn’t the real me. I’m very gifted.

HCF: Sorry we are rebuilding our roster right now. We might find a spot for you in the janitorial division once your unemployment runs out. [Editor’s note: Dusty looked hopeful] We’ve been looking for an assistant for Terry Tate too – you might be perfect for that. [Editor’s note: Dusty had to change into a fresh pair of pants]

HCF: Until next time, thank you for reading another Interview Session with HCF.


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