MY KINGDOM, MY KINGDOM FOR A POWERFUL OFFENCE

Well boys & girls, and all my nappy headed fans out there, this entry is going to be short and sweet. I’m sick. Some kind of flu, cold thing. My throat is raw, my ears hurt like the Dicken’s. I’m dizzier the usual. On the bight side of things, the NyQuil is just kicking in, so I’m feeling a little better. But in a rather unusual twist, I’m seeing a little green guy floating above my lap top telling me to keep drinking Red Bull & Yager shots. Which I swear I’ve never enjoyed. So I don’t know why Petey (that’s the little green dudes name) is telling me to keep drinking.   

Anyway, my beloved Cardinals are in trouble. And not the kind of *Bart please report to Principal Skinner’s office*  trouble. No, this is scary crap people. Pujols is hitting below the Mendoza line. For those of you that don’t know what that means. It means that drunk deacon on your church league soft ball team that no one acknowledges is actually a drunk , could be hitting better than Albert is right now. Scottie Ro is out again with *back spasms.* I have no funny comment about that. Because Scottie is always hurt. At least it seams like he’s always hurt. And at this point, I’m sick of it. The dude is a horse. At least he is built like one. It’s about damn time he stops being a china doll and start mashing the ball, and making GOD like defensive plays at third that we’ve all come to love and expect him to make each and every night. With Jimmy BallGame still working his way back, and Juan Ecarsaaaaaaaaaaada still down in Florida working on his tan, Slam Dunk is the only power guy in our line up producing. At least he is when Tony lets him play. ECK is getting on, but there is no one to drive him in. And the Adam Kennedy Experiment is off to a painfully slow start. Yadda Yadda Yadda isn’t doing too bad. But he is not a guy we need to count on night in and night out to produce runs. With a bench filled with automatic outs like Mookie and SO Old Gouch, and a banged up Imperial, a young, but quasi-productive Skip, and Wild Turkey Shooters. The Cardinals are having a heck of a time scoring any runs. It’s no wonder they are averaging less than 3 runs per game.

And this may not be the worst news to come out of the STL. Carp has bone chips in his right elbow causing it to swell up. So with Dr. George Pelatta on the case, Carp is sure to be out not only the rest of this season, but a huge chuck of next year as well. Why this guy is still in charge of the health and well being of the Cardinals players is a mystery. He must have pics of Walt & DeWitt III in gimp outfits. There is no way I’d trust that hack to treat my moms dog Scruffy, let alone the Golden Arm of Carp. After he botched Mulder last year, and Rolen the year before. Not to mention missing DK’s heart condition, I am SHOCKED he still has a job with the Cardinals. This guy is not fit to treat the terrorists at Guantanamo. He should be fired, last year.

So, with all that’s gone wrong so far this season, some how, some way, the Cardinals are two games over .500 with the upstart Brew Crew coming to town looking to take our place as the class of the NL central. Our pitching has been great. And it’s going to have to be great while this offence sputters to start at the beginning of the season. So what needs to be done to kick the O into gear? Well, the MV3 need to start being the MV3 again. Although I don’t know how much we should expect Jimmy to do while he gets into shape. We need Adam Kennedy to hit, something. I don’t care what he does, just get on freakin base dude. And we need to stop having the automatic outs like Mookie and SO OLD Gouch taking at bats away from Slam Dunk, and any other productive outfielder they can find via trade. It’s time for Walt to once again earn his salary. We need help in the outfield NOW. Not in June. Not in July. And not in August after the trading dead line has passed. We need a powerful offence, so we don’t keep wasting this great pitching we are getting, NOW.

Sad but true fact. Dad and I will be missing this weekends games. Since we have Dish Network as our TV provider, we are not privey to MLB EI yet. And at this point they probably never will be. So until I figure out a way to pay to switch over to DTV, or just add one box and just have their basic package plus the MLB EI package, which is what I’m leaning towards doing since everyone in the house like Dish better than DTV anyway. Dad and I won’t be catching many Cardinals games. So I’m sending out a big SUCK IT to good old Bud and his gang of greedy used car salesmen for not letting a dying man see his beloved Cardinals struggle to score runs.

I need some more NyQuil. Petey is getting annoying. If anyone has some Grey Goose and Red Bull, send it my way. I’m going to bed now.Till next time, go fark yourselves. And remember, Always keep it nappy.

Peace.

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