Game 24.

That was by far the hardest game I’ve ever had to watch.

And I have no idea how anyone of the Cardinals players forced themselves into playing. The strength they showed just showing up at the ball park speaks volumes about the kind of men that they all are. You could just tell the players didn’t want to be there. No matter what they said before hand, to a man not a single one of them wanted to be there. You could see it in their eyes. It was like they were playing in a fog. Like they were just going through the motions. No one can blame them. If I was a player on that team, there is no way I could have even come to the ball park. They looked like zombies out there. They just had nothing left. They have been put through the ringer, and spit back out. And GOD bless them they tried, they did their best. But they just didn’t have anything left to give. The look on their faces is going to stick with me for a long time. Spiezio and TJ especially. They just had nothing tonight, and you could clearly see it. Josh’s sudden death has shaken this team to it’s very foundation. Not to kick them while they are down, but it’s wasn’t that solid of a foundation to begin with. We all have seen this team struggle for the season’s first month. Now is not the time to pick this team apart. What they are going through is painful enough. They don’t need a fat loser like me pointing out their very obvious faults right after they lost a teammate and a brother.

There is something clearly different about losing Josh, than what everyone went through when we lost DK in 2002. I can’t put my finger on it just yet. But this seams more sudden, more tragic somehow. I can see it in the players that it’s effecting them in a different and some what stronger way. Josh’s death seams crueler to me. It’s just wrong. It’s just so very, very wrong.

I want to take the time to tell Josh Hancock’s family, friends and teammates that I am sorry for taking him for granted while he was with us and pitching for my beloved Cardinals. As I wrote yesterday Josh’s role for the most part was the least glamorous of all the pitchers. No one wanted his job, yet he took the ball every time Tony handed it too him without hesitation. And he pitched his guts out. Really his only fault was that he gave up too many home runs. And because of that, and his main role as mop up guy, there were many times when he would enter a game and give up a home run that I would yell at the TV that he sucked, was no good, yadda, yadda, yadda. And for that I am truly sorry. I was wrong. I took him for granted. And believe me when I say this that the guilt I am feeling now for the way I treated him, and so many other players has had a drastic effect on me. From now on, I am going to change the way I watch a baseball game. Josh never did anything but give 100% for my Cardinals. And I never gave him the mad props he deserved. I am sorry Josh I never fully appreciated your efforts. I am sorry I took you for granted. I’m sorry I yelled at you for not doing your job the impossiably perfect way I wanted you to. I could never do what you did, and I should have never judged you so harshly. But most of all, I’m sorry I never got the chance to get to know you for the truly good person you were. I pray one day we will meet in Heaven. 

We had a lot on common Josh and I. He was exactly six months to the day younger than I. He was born on 4-11-78. I was born on 10-11-77. Just like him, I’m not married. Sadly Scott Spiezio and his wife had to tell Josh’s girlfriend of his death. I don’t know how they did that. I have no idea how Tony told his dad about Josh. How do you tell someone that their son or boyfriend just died? I am at a loss for words just thinking about it. Josh and I shared a lot of the same interest. Apparently our personalities are very similar. The more I read about the guy, the closer this hits to home for me. I’m not going to reveal anymore about our common interest. It wouldn’t be right. But needless to say, I’m taking his death harder now than I was 24 hours ago.

Much like the Cardinals I have nothing else left to say. My prayers are with Josh’s family, his girlfriend and the entire Cardinal Family. I don’t know how they are able to play a game now. I feel for his family now more than ever knowing how close he was to them all. I’m so sorry for everyone’s loss. Nothing I can say will make anyone feel better. Just know that this fans thoughts and prayers are with you all right now in this most trying time of your lives. GOD bless you all.

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